Joke Book

Spell to free oneself from excessive computer enchantment

Many good folk have found themselves ensnared in a growing web of computer generated artifice and glamoury. While computers are sometimes a useful tool, one must take care to have a healthy relationship with them. If you have found that they seem to be draining your time and energy away, or slowly invading your soul, then this spell is for you. If you are seeing pixels, icons, and dialog boxes in your dreams, it may already be too late, but give this spell a try anyway.

1.Seat your self comfortably in front of your computer, turn it on, and start one of your favorite programs. Light a candle somewhere in plain view. Non photo blue is the best color for the candle, though any color will do.

2.Breathe deeply in sets of five breaths until you feel light headed and jumpy. (Actually other numbers than five will work. It is important that the number be greater than three and NOT a power of two (2,4,8,16... etc) since computers are ruled by powers of two. Prime numbers work best, since computers have the least power over prime numbers, a basic principle of computer cryptography.) Squirm in your seat and giggle if you feel the need to do so.

3.Visualize a vast web of connection flowing through the computer screen to all the others who are on line, especially your on line friends and relations. If appropriate, see if you can become erotically aware of any of them in this process.

4.You are now ready to employ the mantra for this working. The mantra comes from one of techno culture's wise elders and prophets, Marshall McLuhan. It is as follows: "The medium is the message." Breathe deeply five times again and begin to do things on the computer. Chant "The medium is the message.", click the mouse or type a word, and chant the mantra again, until you have repeated the mantra five times. Focus on the image of the screen independent of any assigned meaning it may have. It may be helpful to set text on the screen to a nonsense font such as Symbol or Dingbats, if possible. Lean back and let your hands fall away from the keyboard or mouse while scrying into the screen. Be open to whatever messages it has for you.

5.Breath in sets of five again, and focus your attention at the candle flame. When you are ready, chant the mantra "The medium is the message." five times at the flame, pausing to breathe three times between each repeat. Relax, and continue to focus on the flame. Be open to whatever messages it has for you.

6.If you had trouble focusing on the candle flame due to distraction from the computer screen, or if you feel that this excercise has been ridiculous and ineffectual so far, you may wish to attempt the following visualization. If you are feeling relaxed and empowered at this stage, you should skip to the next step.

The visualization:

Close your eyes and breath deeply to enter a trance state. Imagine a vast musty space such as the interior of a warehouse. Feel the air currents, smell the slightly stale air, hear the faint reverberations. You are flying through this vast space in the darkness on moth wings. Two glowing lights can be seen, and you fly toward one of them. The light is dazzling and flickering like the beating of your wings. It is colorful and dancing. You try to grow closer to this light, but a hard layer of glass holds you back. You beat against the glass desperately, seeking a way around it. Finally you fall back from it exhausted.

You then see the other light again, and it is warm, sensuous, and undulating. You fly toward its friendlier glow. This new glow envelops and welcomes you until suddenly in a hot flash, it has engulfed you, and all sign of the previous flickering light is overwhelmed in a pulsating wave of ecstasy. The glowing light is all, and the heat unbearable.

Then there is a sudden coolness and the light shatters into millions of stars in the blackness of space. Your ashes float through space until they start falling toward a beautiful blue green planet. You fall through its atmosphere and into the clouds. The clouds rain on the ground below and you are carried by the cool water into the rich welcoming earth where seeds sleep ready to burst forth in new growth. Realize that this earth is the same as the ground beneath you, and return to the room, opening your eyes if haven't already. Yes, if the simpler part of this spell doesn't seem to be working, really DO this visualization. Just reading it as a story will not have the same effect. If this doesn't shake your soul loose from the screen, you may wish to seek a friendly exorcist. In any case, continue to the next step.

7.Turn the computer off. A complete power down, including the monitor. Come on, you can do it. If any internal voices are telling you not to bother with this step, examine where they are coming from and what motivates them.

8.Return to the candle. Visualize a vast web of connection flowing from the candle flame to others you know, spanning across the earth. If appropriate, see if you can become erotically aware of any of these others in this process. When you feel you have extended this visualization as far as is comfortable, pull slowly back to yourself and the room you are in.

9.Relax and meditate on what you have experienced so far for about five minutes. Even if all you have experienced is amusement or boredom, take note of this, and reflect upon it.

10.Get up and stretch thoroughly. Open a window or door to the outside, even if you have to walk a long way to do this, and offer a breath to the spirit of the wind. Look up to the sky, and down toward the earth. If any energy feels excessive, wound up, or nervous, let this flow down to the earth.

11.Cleansing afterward is recommended. A white sage smudge and/or a calming bath would help accomplish this, for example.

12.If you have experienced anything noteworthy, write about this, by hand, away from your computer.

13.Rinse, repeat as needed.

All rites reversed, copy this rite anywhere. To obtain the author's blessing for this, spin three times clockwise and tap a nearby piece of wood.

Ian Lurking Bear, 1996


Redneck Pagans You might be a Redneck Pagan if...

If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door...

If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg...

If you think a goblet is a young turkey...

If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse...

If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"...

If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13...

If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene...

If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"...

If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl...

If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team...

If your Bard plays the banjo...

If your "Long Lost Friend" really IS...

If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars...

If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod...

If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head...

If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"...

If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"...

If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back...

If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker...

If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun...

If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots...

If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff...

If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21...

If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"...

If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag...

If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle...

If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still...

If you use an engine block for an altar...

If your High Priestess is your cousin -- as well as your wife...

If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"...

If your pickup truck has an Athame rack...

If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)...

If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar...

You might be a Redneck Pagan!