Pagan Humor

Misc. Jokes

Q: If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich?

Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey?
A: The Blessed Bee!

Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit

Q: What's the difference between a New Ager and a Pagan?
A: A decimal point. An item you'll pay $300 to a New Ager for, you can get from a local Pagan for $30.

Q: How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch?
A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the New Age Witch will sink under the weight of all their overpriced crystals....

Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.

Blonde Jokes

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?
A: She wanted to draw down the moon.

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote control?
A: She wanted to channel.

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor.

Circle Etiquette (varied sources)

  • Never summon Anything you can't banish.

  • Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.

  • Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.

  • When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"

  • Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.

  • Never, *ever* set the Witch on fire.

  • Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.

  • A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons really love those those.

  • Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.

  • Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.

  • Carry an all-purpose translator's dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.

  • Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.

  • If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbor's name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.

  • Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

  • While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.

  • If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand! While it is true that volunteering will most likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group, thereby allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic horde.

Original Authors Unknown